Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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