I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
