Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
