why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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