I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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