you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize