I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
cat food counts as protein by the way
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
