the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
