Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
