he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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