If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
