how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
