my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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