i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important