The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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