Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.