We're facebook friends in real life
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize