I skipped work to stalk him.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
