I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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