Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
