Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
