I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
