And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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