Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize