My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
