Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
