I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
