probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
