How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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