He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
cat food counts as protein by the way
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
