Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
