Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
