im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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