Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
