My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
