I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
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she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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