the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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