Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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