I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
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You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
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I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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