Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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