people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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