if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
