people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
