I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
