I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
