I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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