The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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