does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
