so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
