my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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