had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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