My Higher Power is John Stamos
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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