So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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