How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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