You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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