I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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