I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
