do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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