I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
