She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
