My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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